But I Can't Help Falling In Love With You

Dear diary,

Looking back, I had my first heartbreak during junior high school. I was in a friend-zoned circle—I liked my guy best friend, he did know it. I was scared our friendship will just get ruined if he didn’t feel the same because at the same time I knew he liked another girl, I was sad of course. But gladly we’re doing just fine. I had my first heartbreak was a good heartbreak because all I need is him to be still around me. But my second heartbreak during my senior high school days which was hurtful and traumatic one, I was even thinking “Am I able to fall in love again?”. It wasn’t fully his faults that he bashed me away after he knew what I felt. I did wrong by talking nonsense about my feeling on social media, and I fully regret it by now why I did such a thing then.

In my new single stage of life in college, I meet my favorite person. Yet, I am traumatic with my past. “Am I able to fall in love again?” The truth answers. But I am still scared bad things happen.

Legend says, “When you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream”. Then I’m wondering, does he have a lack of sleep? Having a crush on someone is really exciting and tiring too. Okay, when we have a crush on someone, we really notice a very little single thing even the detail because all we can do is stalk. When they do something for us, we get butterflies in the stomach no matter how small and simple it is, right? It just sounds normal when a someone calls our names, but it is different kinda feeling when he does.

I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned. “Berawal dari tatap, indah senyummu memikat” (Berawal Dari Tatap – Yura Yunita) into Ku terpikat pada tuturmu, aku tersihir jiwamu. Terkagum pada pandangmu, caramu melihat dunia” (Jatuh Hati – Raisa). But when the pleasure turns into desire, it will getting worse.

When I was younger it was just enough to like someone. As I grow older, I think about making a rational decision and make me thinking about the end before it’s even get started. Whether the end will make things difficult for me. Thinking about the end that will probably have a sad ending even it doesn’t start yet. Perpisahan itu pasti. It makes me desiring about you. You’re graduated, you’re going to leave soon, then we’re going to be apart, and I will be the one who feels sad.

I cry a lot because of regrets. For every things I’m not able to do. I can’t start a proper conversation because my lip and tongue is tightened with you. I am such a coward with you. And just yesterday, I couldn’t able to ask to take a photo together for the last time, perhaps. I wish I could just ask you what you think of me.  But, “Wise men says, only fools rush in.” I can’t express my feelings. All I can do is remaining silent and secretly liking you.

That moment when I silently burst out crying in my room and no one realizes how unhappy I am.

I can’t make you like me like I do but stalk you and wish you a happy life.

 “Ku tak harus memilikimu, tapi bolehkan ku selalu di dekatmu?”

— Raisa

x Dayu


  1. What about falling in love with yourself first?


  2. I had the same experienced when I was still in highschool. I feel you! But nevertheless, we should learn to love ourselves first before we love somebody else.

    Auradelle // Parapixelife


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